keepsake blog

If you ask me how I am, I say I'm good. I'm sitting on a hotel bed in Langkawi with a Macbook on my lap, editing a video with great soreness on my feet; which is good.

"Is it too late to talk?" 

You made me want hydrocodone. You made me want to write books that will cut you by the hinge of the newly printed papers as much as you have encouraged me to. You made me want to run away from here to somewhere very far away. And you don't realize that.

"...it's all fictitious." 

I used to think I set a fire in your eyes but I've learned that was just the reflection of the one you set it mine. I'm sorry, for thinking that maybe I could stop pretending to be happy to make you pleased. But now that I have assassinated you with lies and professed everyone that you were of deep silence [when the truth is, you're fucking louder than meteors grazing the universe if sounds were audible outside Earth], I'll understand your disappearance.

"The way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive." 

I have forgiven you, though. Some things are made to fall apart in the end, I suppose. It's okay, it's okay, it's okay, everything will be alright... Sometimes I have this desire of calling you at 1 in the morning, so that maybe no one will figure the cracks in my voice while I listen to yours, but then I remembered that things have fallen apart, and that we're not the same people we used to be.

I'm sorry for insanely writing this over a hard heart.

I have always hated coffee when I was little. I'd say I don't understand people who drank coffee. But now that I've become older, I needed caffeine to keep me up and to fulfill the bitter-sweet of life therefore I have chosen to admire coffees.

It is probably the only other drink I like warm (I also like iced coffee) apart from hot chocolate.

And books, well, I have always loved books since a very young age. If we turn back time into 7 years ago when I was eight, you'd find me on a couch reading either encyclopedias or books. And whenever I ran out of books to read, I would read my brother's and then plead my father to go to a bookstore later at night.

Books have created a significant impact in my life, I believe. It had impacted on how I look at things, read things, think of people, think of things and had even made me sort of a grammarian. Books have given me plenty of experiences without me travelling a thousand miles away from home or time travel to The Middle Ages and it had made me greed of crafting words into books on my own.

You should try books sometimes if you haven't, and don't forget coffees.

Taken in Starbucks, Botani Square -Bogor on the morning of the 16th of December 2014 Book: Will Grayson by David Levithan & John Green

"I know it's over, and it never really began, but in my heart it was so real." -The Smiths

This is the speech I did yesterday in BPK Penabur Bogor. I really liked what I have written though. I really liked the way it's built. I guess it was just not good enough for the competition, and because I suddenly forgot a line at the 4th paragraph. It's stupid to think I could have won when I knew I wouldn't. There was never a second chance for me to have achieved their thoughts, but okay okay I get it, I have failed, and it's my fault. Good job on the competition by the way.

"Greetings your Excellencies sires, madams and distinguished guests. Today, I, Zahra Thania, a sophomore student of Al-Taqwa College am here to make a difference and to speak for this generation and the generation yet to come. 

I hereby stand not because I was elected to do this speech, but because I am here to detain environmental issues that have harmed the earth exceedingly well over the past few years. And to start off let me ask you:

It's not worth telling others how boring your life is. It's not worth complaining of how this is the best your life can come up with. So why am I here, trying to write about how the red cells in my blood wishes to stream away?

"Depression is quiet.

I feel like the worst part of parting with your friends is if you don't meet them again.

Maybe the only reason why I'm posting such an emotional post is because I'm on my period.

You know those moments where it's late at night and you suddenly realise how lonely you are? How you wish you had someone to talk to? How you wish you had a story to write? Well, those moments are standing by with me tonight. I am so alone, I don't know what to do.

"It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head."

It fascinates me how somebody so little can paint such scars inside me and decided to just let the pain dry without giving me a band aid.

Everybody have problems you see. Some are homeless, some are pregnant out of marriage, some are out of money to buy drugs, some are abused, some are depressed and some are lost. I think my main problem right now is that I'm lost. Very lost. Like I'm in the middle of a blurred white circle where everything else was white, and there's no way out.

I try to distract myself with hobbies and fake laughs, but they never cured me. The emptiness inside me was leaking from the scars he didn't stitch. He stole my feelings to fix his. I am confused now. Of where I stood in people's lives. Maybe a toe on the corner of their minds, and maybe (-2%) on both of my feet in the centre.

There was something different. Everyone's busier now. Everyone's grown.

I guess the reason why I feel so empty is because I live in the present but my hopes are left behind. The promises we've made are slowly fading away, it's hard to get together again, we're not attracted into each other's stories anymore or never in the mood to be.  Distance may make things easier, but they fuck things equally the same. I lost my friends and most of my memories. Not in the way I feared, but in the way I cared. Slowly and unknowingly.

11:07 I wished I find my mind again
11:08 I wished I find my feelings
11:09 I wished I let go
11:10 I wished for 11:11
11:11 Hopeless but hoping

I lost my mind. There was emptiness inside me, and it's leaking. I lost my feelings, my interest, and although pain & depression have escaped me, I feel like I'm not whole. I wasn't in love or hate or fear. It's like there is something desperately missing, I need that something, but I don't know what that something is.

Hello, Hi, Hey!

I suppose it's fine to announce to this blog the same story and not being read at all. It's fine, my sarcasm is usually ignored even by the people I care about.

5th of March 2012, I moved to Al-Taqwa College Indonesia and started boarding after 3 weeks. 6th August 2014, I wish I could quit boarding as soon as possible.

It's almost 4 in the morning today, and I just realized that I got a dozen of skype messages from my friend Raissa who is leaving for her Boarding school in Solo in 3 more weeks.

I think it's time to officially introduce you to my most beloved group of people, the Mushy Tofu Community! Which is just a fake name to cover the real identity of our group name.

Hi, it's been awhile since I wrote.

So a lot of things happened. Most of my friends move from  school, a few came, the school gain new rules and more tiring changes.

I say that, staying in a school that progresses a lot of changes is tiring too. Moving school isn't the only thing where you need to blend in with the new changes, staying in the same school is too. The new kids, the new teachers, the new rules, it's tiring. And I'm pretty much tired and sick of them all now.

Being a Sophomore in Al-Taqwa College Ind. is confusing. The system of the school changes a lot and it's hard for the students to cooperate. Although I've only been here since March the 5th on 2012, I can feel that it's hard to cooperate with the system/changes. My class consists of only 7 students. 6 girls and one boy. I was kinda expecting extra new students for a good change, and turns out we only got one new girl.

I miss my friends and I miss having them around. Seeing them at school excites me and can make my day a whole lot better, not lying. I remember once my classmate came to school for no apparent reason in my acknowledgements and seeing his straight face and pale body did excite me. It's like as if I was to have class with him and the rest of the Ridiculously Acht students again. But no, I just saw him that day and no, I wasn't having classes with RA students again or him.

I'm not that sad about them now, because at some point I know I will move on and start living the moment. I try to be happy and to accept everything, I try. Maybe people don't see it much, but I don't think it's their case because nobody really cares of what others are worried about anyway so it doesn't matter.

It's a tough beginning but I know that everything will be okay in the end. Anyways, it is the month of Ramadhan! May Allah bless you all. Thanks for reading, if you ever came this far.

Lol, Zee.

So if you hadn't known, community JacksGap aka YouTuber Jack Harries is making a project on What do you Love? and What do you Fear? I was very thrilled to hear this news and hoping that I could shoot some things and send it to him through Skype but turns out, I couldn't.

The Internet and my PC aren't cooperating with me well and I actually really want to be in his video. Instead, I'll try shooting a few of things that I love and fear and upload them to YouTube and see how it turns out to be. I am a massive fan of YouTube and JacksGap apparently, and it would mean so much if I could make this and have him see it. Maybe he will maybe he won't, but I can dream.

So in this blog post I am going to list a few things that I love and fear to outline my video (hopefully).


-Friends
-Shed Sessions (Yes Jack, I'm hoping for you to create more)
-The Beach
-Travelling
-Videos
-Fluffy Animals

My bucket list are slowly getting ticked! I'm so happy :)

I don't know if it's only her and my brother who noticed but people are starting to ask. You probably have zero idea what I'm talking about. Well, basically I'm talking about la mémoire. I just hope I don't sound so hopeless or sad.

It's nice -you know, to get along with people. But it's not nice to go away from them, unless you have a reason. I have a reason to go away from people. Augustus Waters said, "You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you." and that is the sort of quote I'd like to plant in myself. I don't want to get hurt from people I don't want to get hurt from, don't want to get depressed, and that's probably why I go away from people. Nonetheless I like the person.

I'm fifteen years in life, old enough to understand that nobody is the same, but only have some in common, that life is most pain and not gain, that yes, miracles and blessings are real and happen most when we are grateful. And that you can just wake up one day and decide to kill somebody by acting like they never really existed. It's only fair, it's only even.

When I am in the process of going away from a certain person, their names hurt. That's why I told one of the closest person in my inner circle to stop mentioning that person's name in front of me. And I'm kinda glad she did. Weird is, only one person could understand. It's my schoolmate and she is leaving for Japan really soon. I'm happy for her though.

And before I end the hurt, I'd like to say sorry for going away.

So there it is, my la mémoire turning Noir et Bleu. And a reason why I disappear from one's life without dying. To be honest, it kinda sucks to unlike a person or to unmeet them, but wouldn't we all do so for the sake of our la mémoire?

The rapidly strokes above means: My Collarbone in Japanese and yes people, I Google translated that. This would make no sense, but so does Alice's world that she said she'd make if she had a world of her own.

My friend once told me that someone actually told her that the girl in class that he has no clue about is: me. Which, clearly, got me surprised and a little betrayed. I don't even know where that feeling came, but I just felt betrayed. Somehow, the nervous systems and the thousand cells in my body decided to make me feel embarrassed of it, make me feel annoyed and betrayed.

I guess this just really made me feel like a... what do you call it? Oh yeah, a fucking embarrassing loser. But no offense, it is nobody's fault. It's mine, I should be more careful with myself.

Anyways, I am preparing myself for a load of shit: writing, parting away with friends, seeing my brother going to College, hoping for vacation in Oman, looking for scholarship, etc.

Wish me luck! Except luck is for suckers, so wish me blesses.

Lol, Zee.

When I was young and stupid, I wanted to be an artist and a doctor, now I am tall and all grown, I want to be a writer. A job so strong that can change the human's mind by only imagination of the brain's creation. And it is not too hard if we try, not too hard if we just pray more each day.

Do you ever just get this really strange goosebumps rising when you bite an ice cream? Or even think of the whole load of shit exams you need to take? Or when you breathe someone's cigerattes? Or maybe when you see that someone smiling? Well, I do. The skin of my body is popular for rising the goosebumps all the freaking time on either seeing a good looking boy smile, or when I walk pass a young man smoking as I breathe the smoke of it, or even when I accidentally (because I actually don't -in a regular basis) bite an ice cream. It hurts, sometimes, the goosebumps. It feels like it's strangling me at times and there's nothing I can do about it.

Life's easiest mantra: the double F

You know how sometimes people ignore you for no apparent reason right? Or maybe, when they did something wrong to you in such way that made you feel betrayed or hated. Whatever the cause of the hate or betrayed feeling that you crave inside you, the easiest way out of it -my one and only mantra is to forgive and forget.

Now I know forgiving isn't easy (it is to me though) because you'd probably say this, "But I can't just forgive them after all the shit they've done to me!" But the truth is: you CAN. Know that everyone makes mistakes and no matter how tired you are of hearing those 3 words that is repeated all the time it is still going to be true. Because people are imperfect and people have feelings, too. And, (God, preach this to the whole world please) you can't just stay mad or feel betrayed to that one particular (or more) person after all the good things they've done to you. Remind yourself that, "Hey, remember that one time they helped you in this chunk of your life? That was so kind of them, I guess I shouldn't hate them for only this problem after all the things they've done for me." And when you start forgiving them, I promise you, it will feel like getting a weight of an elephant off your shoulders because you'll have no worries or sadness anymore. And note that: when you want to hate a person, you should think first. Think if the hate is worthy or not, but the problem here is when you wanna hate, Satan will be the other half of you which makes it so easy for you to lose mind. So let's just forgive instead of holding a grudge against somebody who (although) has done a pain to you.

(See); "The way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive.." -Miles (Pudge) Halter from Looking for Alaska by John Green

Forgetting. I see many pictures of "Forgive? Yes. Forget? Never." which is rather pathetic because really, when you once forgive you'll automatically and processingly (I don't know if that's a word) forget.. If you don't forget then that means, you haven't technically forgave that person.

The A stands for Apologize.

I am the type of person who literally can't stand holding a grudge (it also means revenge) to someone because I can't hate people (unless you do real shit to me like freaking ruin my life and family) forever and maybe this only runs in me but if you are the type of person who is hard to stop hating people or to stop holding a grudge but wants to stop because you don't like the situation, I have some easy tips for you.

Apologize. Apologize, apologize, apologize. No matter how right and how wrong they are, just apologize. Because why wait for the other person to say sorry when you can do it now? I know it takes a whole lot of shit guts to do that but if you feel like you're cornered, betrayed, hated, lone, are you still going to keep staying in that situation forever? No right? Because nobody likes that! I surely don't, and I believe you don't too. So I suggest you apologize NO MATTER how many times you are the one who starts it. Not to brag but many people have done shits to me and guess what? I'll always (usually actually) be the first person to say sorry even though I'm not wrong.

Don't worry baby, you're not alone :)

So I hope this post had helped you in some way, I am not directing this to anyone because this is free for the world. I'm sorry if I said something not nice or you don't agree with what's above, I'm terribly sorry and I hope you'll -you know as a trial, forgive me. It's been a nice time writing this to whomever reads this, have a blessed night or day and goodbye!

Lots of love, Zee.

It is -as everyone know, the last year for most 9 graders to gather in the school. What I mean is that in a few weeks, we will soon be parting away for a lot of us will move school.

Lately I've been lost tracking my own self-blog if that makes sense.. It's hard cooperating with shit, school, feelings, games, family, friends and the internet. And I guess that's why it's really hard.