The chaos of stars pt.3
22:14
I’m being a
wreck tonight. I could feel the dissatisfaction tightening my brows as my face
offers the world an unpleasing set of emotions. I wanted to deafen my senses by
focusing on things that would calm me but they hurt my heart, I try to think of
things to write about but I ran out of topics that would truly please me. I
know that this too shall pass, but because it’s been quite awhile since I have
felt anything, I’m reluctant to letting this feeling go. I’m okay with my being
upset.
Nevertheless,
being upset increases my greed of escaping. Of course, who wouldn’t want to
sleep in a bundle of pillows and blankets to run away to for when the world
hurts too much? Or decide to meet the people that you truly care about and just
have hourly long conversations with them until you no longer remember what had
upset you in the beginning? To me, the very existence of unconsciousness and
company are two things that I hold onto to heal myself from feeling upset.
However, I will solemnly admit that; falling asleep and finding someone who
cares about you in return, is quite difficult.
The truth is:
the absence of unconsciousness and company are things that often disturbed me. Being
an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert (I couldn’t really
decide), not having company to be with when things go wrong encourages
stressful situations. And being the immature and anxious person that I am, stressful
situations worsen me. The domino effect of lonely stressful situations doesn’t
stop, and it tends to change to the snowball effect; where the result is a
worsen situation of the very beginning.
However, I will
solemnly admit again that; relying onto company or depending onto other people in
stressful situations or any event in life, is something that could be addressed
as a fault. I noticed this after going through a couple hundreds of situation,
even though my mother had already told me when I was in sixth grade; right before
my piano lesson (it was brought up because my only friend from the academy wasn’t
attending on the day and I became ferociously anxious about going alone). This
is because relying onto other people builds up a constant need of their
presence when given situations that you’re not familiar with. In other words,
it will be very difficult to be independent if you depend on others. Another
reason why is because: you will run out of company to rely on at some point in your
life. We are all individually the centre of our own universe, so being solitude
is inevitable at a given time. Therefore, independence is crucial, and you need
to begin being accustomed to it (but also not forgetting the importance of
company).
Cat-wise talk
and speaking for myself, I have to begin being accustomed to independence.
Especially at this point of my life where though unconsciousness is very easy
to obtain, company is at its most scarce.
*bonus Indonesian writing that I made the other day:*
Terkadang aku merasa seakan akan kesepian tidak
menyakitiku lagi. Ketika hari telah padam dan warna oranye di akhir sore mulai
bergema, aku menemukan diriku menunggu kehadirannya. Mungkin alasan mengapa aku
dapat berbicara seperti ini ialah kehadiran kesepian yang tidak segan untuk
menemaniku. Aku jadi terbiasa ditemani olehnya.
Seringkali didalam kesepian, aku merasa sangat kecil.
Ketika aku menempati ayunan di belakang rumah dengan mataku menggeliat ke arah
langit yang suka berganti ganti, aku berfikir betapa Esa Tuhanku.
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| Picture Credits: (someone from tumblr) (I'll check it and update the link later!) |
1 comments
love this one, keep going! :)
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