keepsake blog : People

Back Again #4

Compared to other small bloggers out there, I perhaps may be the worst of all. Yes, it's been around five months since and yes I may have only little to tell. But hey! Here I am! Back again.

First of all, though I may seem incompetent with creating a consistency in this platform or in my YouTube, I have actually tried several times to write about things that has happened to me these past months. From how I discovered my second most favorite novel, to how my writing ended up being published... But none of those posts succeeded. I just have that writer's block that all writers complain about and I just happen to be having that for a solid four months.

To begin with, my back again series is mainly focused on things that have occurred in my life. After all, this is a very personal blog. So if you may seem uninterested with what life has been like for me, then it's advisory for you to not read this at all. BUT! If you'd like to start being interested, then it's advisory for you to stay. *cheeky smile*

Okay so... let's begin writing in a timely chronological order.

By the end of July, hence the end of my "long-summer" holiday... I started joining a skating academy in Bintaro all because I received a pair of my own ice skates in March. Long story short, it's been alright. To tell the truth, I find it difficult to befriend anyone there. I tend to be mute and mind my own business all the time so barely anyone find me interesting enough to invest a friendship bond with. Which is okay because I'm planning to quit after I finish my tenth-week course anyway.

*update after a month of drafting this post*

I may have changed my mind, actually. I might stay for more courses and I might have made some friends in the end...

MOVING ON

In the beginning of August, I was already in that habitual cycle of desolation i.e.: senior year of high school. And I find myself so very easily exhausted. Day 5 of senior year, I am already as exhausted as if it were the end of the year. In the car, I try to have as much rest as possible because going to a school cities away every weekday drains my physical and emotional stability. And as a result of that ongoing exhaustion, is an ongoing low-immunity. I lost count on how many times I was sick and had to detain my school tasks to rest.

And since I am now a senior student, which means that I have to face the national exam, I made the decision to sign myself for some after school courses in this tutoring place: Bintang Pelajar. So far it's okay for me. In fact, I like it more than my ice skating course. I quiet like the experience of being able to meet other students my age from many different schools and being taught by different teachers. However, I'm not sure yet that it's helped me with my academics. But, we'll see.

MOVING ON

Have you ever heard about Will Darbyshire? That cunning and incredibly talented YouTuber who recently released his first book? Well I'm pretty sure you have, but in case you haven't, go Google him a little and come back to watch this video about the beginning of his book, This Modern Love.

Now, the story as to how I was qualified to say "From how I discovered [...] my writing ended up being published..." in the introduction of this post is quiet simple yet very unexpected. As a person who rarely have internet connection due to SOME circumstances, I watched Will's video of his making of the book rather late. Perhaps a few months after. But I was so drawn into it I pretended I was nowhere late when I opened the website.

And guess what? You probably saw this coming... I wasn't late.

I quickly scanned the website with my eyes and caught one question I was able to write a letter upon. It was the: Question #5 What would you say to a crush? Write a letter to them to express it. It didn't take me long to decide what I wanted to submit. I was -at the time- sixteen, very much in a vague pool of old feelings for this one particular person, and have already written the letter in my private tumblr. It was a short, vague and crammed of all sorts of things I at the time love (or so I thought) which so happens to include him. And if you didn't know already, I wrote all sorts of letter in here for him too.

Here is that letter that I (re)wrote that day:

And after I submitted the letter, I was notified by Will through an email at March 15th that my letter has made it to the possible inclusion of the book, but since I was under 18 years old, I had to sign a waiver and attach it in my reply email before the 28th.

I don't know why I hadn't been opening my email at the time... But all I know is when I opened it, two weeks had gone by since Will sent me the first email. He even emailed me again to touch base one more time to see if I'd like to be included. And thankfully I opened the email in time to submit my signed waiver. I quickly apologized with the attached email and was soon replied by Will that, I wasn't too late again!

Long story short, months after the incident, I was no longer notified by Will about my letter. And by the time I figured out that my letter was included in the final book, I have already forgotten about my letter. It was in IT class that day. The teacher had given us a task and to do so, we had to download the files from our class email. But the website automatically directed me to my email and I was quick to logging it out when my friend abruptly saved the day. She pointed at Will's e-mail and told me that I was included.

You could say I was crying with happy tears that day.

MOVING ON

I'm surprised that you made it here. In this part, I will talk to you through about my college plans and what I've actually been doing these past few months.

I registered for an IELTS (in the end of November) and SAT (in December) tests.
I have applied to four universities -two in Canada and two in America- out of 10 from my list.
I have been looking through online shopping websites, or more specifically... Sephora *har har*
I have been trying to study for the SAT.

In all honesty, I really want to talk to you (and anyone else who's interested in studying overseas) why I want to study in the US or Canada, but... since I'm not quiet sure whether or not I will (though I'm hopeful, I'm not dreaming), I will only write and speak of it once (with Allah's permission) I attend a school in either US or Canada. Speaking of which- I do understand that studying overseas can be quiet challenging and is considered an obviously high expectation to meet. But it's something that I'm certain I want to try. And it's something I'm certain Allah will help me acquire, in all good things of course. However confident or certain I am with the idea of studying there, I'm still playing safe and am wise enough to apply here (Indonesia) too. Which of course, includes the three most recognizable universities: Institute of Technology Bandung, University of Indonesia and BINUS.

Aside from that, I think this post is sufficient enough in fulfilling whoever wishes to know more about me from these past few months. With that, I hereby declare a farewell until next time.

Love always,

Zahra Thania

p.s. Let me know if you'd like me to write more about ice skating, applying to universities in America/Canada and etc!

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, by Unknown

cat-wise talk

The chaos of stars pt.3

I’m being a wreck tonight. I could feel the dissatisfaction tightening my brows as my face offers the world an unpleasing set of emotions. I wanted to deafen my senses by focusing on things that would calm me but they hurt my heart, I try to think of things to write about but I ran out of topics that would truly please me. I know that this too shall pass, but because it’s been quite awhile since I have felt anything, I’m reluctant to letting this feeling go. I’m okay with my being upset.

Nevertheless, being upset increases my greed of escaping. Of course, who wouldn’t want to sleep in a bundle of pillows and blankets to run away to for when the world hurts too much? Or decide to meet the people that you truly care about and just have hourly long conversations with them until you no longer remember what had upset you in the beginning? To me, the very existence of unconsciousness and company are two things that I hold onto to heal myself from feeling upset. However, I will solemnly admit that; falling asleep and finding someone who cares about you in return, is quite difficult.

The truth is: the absence of unconsciousness and company are things that often disturbed me. Being an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert (I couldn’t really decide), not having company to be with when things go wrong encourages stressful situations. And being the immature and anxious person that I am, stressful situations worsen me. The domino effect of lonely stressful situations doesn’t stop, and it tends to change to the snowball effect; where the result is a worsen situation of the very beginning.

However, I will solemnly admit again that; relying onto company or depending onto other people in stressful situations or any event in life, is something that could be addressed as a fault. I noticed this after going through a couple hundreds of situation, even though my mother had already told me when I was in sixth grade; right before my piano lesson (it was brought up because my only friend from the academy wasn’t attending on the day and I became ferociously anxious about going alone). This is because relying onto other people builds up a constant need of their presence when given situations that you’re not familiar with. In other words, it will be very difficult to be independent if you depend on others. Another reason why is because: you will run out of company to rely on at some point in your life. We are all individually the centre of our own universe, so being solitude is inevitable at a given time. Therefore, independence is crucial, and you need to begin being accustomed to it (but also not forgetting the importance of company).

Cat-wise talk and speaking for myself, I have to begin being accustomed to independence. Especially at this point of my life where though unconsciousness is very easy to obtain, company is at its most scarce.

*bonus Indonesian writing that I made the other day:*

Terkadang aku merasa seakan akan kesepian tidak menyakitiku lagi. Ketika hari telah padam dan warna oranye di akhir sore mulai bergema, aku menemukan diriku menunggu kehadirannya. Mungkin alasan mengapa aku dapat berbicara seperti ini ialah kehadiran kesepian yang tidak segan untuk menemaniku. Aku jadi terbiasa ditemani olehnya.

Seringkali didalam kesepian, aku merasa sangat kecil. Ketika aku menempati ayunan di belakang rumah dengan mataku menggeliat ke arah langit yang suka berganti ganti, aku berfikir betapa Esa Tuhanku.

Picture Credits: (someone from tumblr) (I'll check it and update the link later!)

Love always, Zahra.

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, by Unknown

Birthday

Back Again #3

I know it's been a lot of while since I last touch base this blog I claim to be my platform of where I try to be unconditionally myself. But even so, I believe it's been a successful way of portraying my inner self -a procrastinator, and a juggler who doesn't juggle her responsibilities in correct order.

So, I've been sick for more than a week by now. Undoubtedly much more comfortable with how life is treating me, be it worse or better, I have no idea, and am somehow very content with that. I'm still lonely and have a lot of things to do, but I believe that's been taken care of by my ignorant chunk of personality.

To make my leaving for the lot of while fair, I'll try and make a coordinated writing of the highlights of the previous months.

The ending of February for me, was a takeaway trip to Lombok with my family. In which I refused to do in the first place, and deliberately changed my mind as soon as I stepped out of the plane -ended up the most awed person from experiencing it. The newborn flesh of the sea was something I haven't seen in quiet awhile, nor was the distance from the negativity of life. I was merely concussed of how great it felt to be away to someplace else and I'm glad this trip's happened.

Here's a few of my favorite life stills:

The girl staring outside the window, and the anxious man trying to fall asleep.

Was away from responsibilities for awhile. It was very nice.

The beach reminded me of Oman, now I miss it even more.

In the beginning of March, my school held our annual competition. Which may or may not have gone very well... I couldn't decide. However, it did do a much better self at setting an example for many people that "planning ahead is very important" especially in cases like this and that "miscommunication is the source of all remorse and conflicts". *smiles*

Also, my team and I were able to win second place in the debate competition that was held there! Presumably defeated by a group of novice under the motion "THW allow asylum seekers to work". Which was fine, I suppose, because I figured it out before it was announced. Anxiety is better prepared than not huh?

Here is a life still of us:

"When you're told to hold their trophy and pretend everything's okay"

Halfway through the end of March (27th to be precise), I turned seventeen. There was something relieving about my turning seventeen, quiet a lot of people remembered, some even took the time to write paragraph of hopes for me, which was nice and polite. My brother, who was a much more sensitive person than I am and who was having troubles with himself, managed to see me and bring a cake. My family and I ate a simple Arabic dinner at a surprisingly pleasant restaurant. However, the cake was preserved because the Arabic restaurant did not allow birthday celebrations. My brother was furious and left the restaurant instantly.

It didn't rain on my birthday, but the sky was a haze and some of the stars appeared after sundown. There were a couple of people who kept company of me through words as I waited outside, letting time seep into the walls of my skin. And in between, multiples of moments from when I was much younger and much happier than now managed to appear, in a very unsettling and simultaneous way. Which brought me to thinking whether or not I've been able to grow up to whom my little self has desired her to be.

Seventeen may not be the age of maturity, or of anything I've wanted for a long long time, but I am very certain that it is the age of progress. Progress in becoming better, progress in experiencing better things, progress in being closer to Him. And I hope that's what counts most.

Officially nine years apart from this picture of my little self looking as if preparing for a ballet dance/swimming class.

Achieved my long lost hobby!

A few days ago, my school joined another debate competition, specifically one that was held in Global Islamic School. To say the least, I didn't quiet enjoy it because I was pretty sick and I was rather tired of the whole routine. However, I seem to be very overwhelmed from achieving tenth in best speakers list, despite the fact that I got even sicker by the end of the competition. Moreover, the competitors were kinda unsettling too, there were little socializing and more competing which I didn't look forward to much... Oh, and we also met the now-not-so-novice debaters from last time. Which unluckily, we didn't get to debate with.

"Maybe next time."

-So, there you have it. Chunks of what happened in the past few months. And, not a surprise it took me two whole hours to finish this post. Well, hope it was worth it. Goodbye, and goodnight from me. Or should I say good morning?

Love always, Zee.

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, by Unknown

Experience

Honest Reunion

About.. two years ago, I was in class with fourteen really incredible human beings, those of which were quiet modest about befriending others and those of which were quiet ridiculous at heart. Thinking about it now, I wasn't very close with everyone (to be precise: with male gendered ones) which might explain why I don't know them very well.

And in the span of that two years, I was graduating from grade nine. This technically meant that a lot of those fourteen-really-incredible-human-beings are about to leave (i.e. transferring to their desired high schools) and that I would never be in the same class with them all again. Which was true, because only four of us managed to stay. However, in the course of six months, two of us left too. And for the record, the only two from those fourteen who are ongoing survivors of Al-Taqwa are only me and Tsamara.

Tragic. I know.

Fast forward to 2016, eighth of February, nine of us were miraculously met in a reunion. We *ate, became bored, got into traffic on our way to watching a horror movie, watched the horror movie, parted, and are now back in our homes (I think).

Bagas was bald. That was his reason for the cap.

It took me about half an hour into the horror movie to realize just how much I missed these people. When I constantly made terrible jokes to Bagas, Huzi and Tsam (for they were the only ones reachable in the theater), when Putri "secretly" poked my head a couple of times to "scare" me, when Pristina and Kyla were cuddling because they were shit-terrified, when Ariq was asleep because he watched the movie before, and when Dika acted funnily whilst watching... It only sank to my mind how long it's been since we were ever together and that when we are together after two years, things never really change. Sure, some of them may have changed physically and mentally, but that does not mean it detains them from being who they originally were when we were still in class together.

Ariq was a bit desperate to be in the picture with Putri and Pristina. So I let him in.

My baby fujifilm X30 has been a little off lately, Tsamara was a model for trial

Because you can never get a good picture of me.

Here's a picture of Dika enjoying his arrival and Huzi's majestic hoodie (IT HAS EARPHONES IN THE HOODIE STRINGS!)

And that made me really happy. I felt less-terrible upon this crumbling world. It was a remarkable experience among the empty gray of school days as a remaining Al-Taqwa survivor, I hope we meet again very soon, kinda still miss you all -words of the late one.

Love always, Zee.

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, by Unknown

2015

For 2016: and for myself

Before 2015 began, I have hoped far and low that the coming year would be wonderful, memorable and would gratify my expectations. It finally dawned on me (recently) that not all expectations have to come true and that 2015 wasn't the year of travelling or of living youthfully, it was the year of encountering difficulty within myself and the year of admitting defeat to ease sincerity.

However, it was also the year of phenomenal skies, an amazing Fujifilm camera and the beginning of my aspiring hobby in creating visuals through videos and writing. Not to mention the incredible stress over school, faith and the absence of company. And these things have taught me more than what I could have asked for. Yes, I may not have handled it very well but I've been through the fire and what fire does not destroy, it hardens.

Besides, everything takes time and time will only help me grow into someone who I long to be. And no one can take that away from me, they don't have the right and they never will.

Because in 2015, I understood that

not everybody has the ability to understand sadness and that a lot of people pretend to be with you because they needed something from you, not because they wanted to be a part of your life.
at times, you just have to cut ties with the people you thought were meant to stay, because Allah wanted them in your life merely for a lesson; they were meant to bend you, not to mend you.

In 2015, I was aware that

sometimes, everything won't be alright. There are things that will be fine, but some will only continue breaking your heart. And that's just part of what it's like to be alive, but you don't have to be so stressed about it because at some point, everything will be alright.
you just have to be patient and accepting

In 2015, I learned that

being grateful for the things that you are mostly unaware of is important. You may be sad that you've failed your test or had your heart broken by some idiot, but please don't forget to remember that you still have your family and a house that keeps you safe. That you're still healthy and alive and still has a chance to better the world.
Allah has better plans. So put your trust in Him.

"Like the moon, you only see parts of me, never the full thing." -lovelysuggestion (tumblr)

And for 2016, I hope to begin conquering my dreams and resolutions (such as getting accepted and perhaps a scholarship to one of my targeted universities). They mostly include taking better care of myself and living in new places, as well as meeting more incredible human beings that will lessen the pain of inexperience and loneliness.

I pray that I will draw myself closer to God and to heal what’s wounded.

And to finish, I wish you all a remarkable and heart-warming year ahead where there are moments where everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt. Hopefully in the coming year, we would all stop ruining ourselves (and others) for what doesn’t matter and start fixing each other entirely for the better.

Love always, Zee.

"Life is most beautiful when visuals are like film stills." -z.t.

. . . . .

"I hope that in 2016, you find what you’re looking for. I hope you find true love, a new friend, the perfect house, the best sunsets, more time, the beauty in everything, and the right path. I hope you find a chance to start over, but most of all, I hope you find yourself." -c.a.m.