"Depression is quiet.
Thank you for giving a little hope. Send it on, because sharing is good. Tomorrow is school, but that's okay. Sunday is the present, and presents are made to be enjoyed. Have a great day.
I feel like the worst part of parting with your friends is if you don't meet them again.
But to think that we want to meet them again, we should already know why we want to and why we should. To be painfully honest, I don't miss all of my friends that has left. I miss some but not all. Is that selfish?
I suppose not.
It's our choice to miss people, and it's our choice to keep missing them or not. I made my choice to not miss them all the time, but try to keep in contact because I do not want the same awful mistakes to happen twice.
I called the people I missed most last night. It was a pretty long call, and I felt so relieved when I called them. I cried whilst talking to them, mostly to the first person because I haven't seen her in months. I will see her though, and I hope we're still the same.
As time and place changes, I figured things would change too. And I also figured that I couldn't possibly just stay in my comfort zone until I leave High school so I decided to move school until I'm enough of ATC. I'm not full of ATC yet, so I wouldn't probably be moving this academic year.
And as much as I hope for things to change (in a good and pleasing way), I'm not only moving out of school. I'm moving out of state (that's what my heart desires, and I hope that's what my father and fate desires too). I just desperately hope Allah will put a good change in my life (without taking somebody/something away from me) before I turn 20. Because I believe life should be most experienced through young ages first.
I know that these changes will come to me at the right time (as Allah has promised) but it's not wrong to keep praying right?
Plus, I learned my lessons a lot from the people who have moved away from me a few miles, so I guess it would be fair enough if I move farther to give them lessons too. That's all I wanted to say for now, I hope you're having a wonderful day.
Happy Eid Mubarak to the Muslim families out there :) and Happy Saturday for everyone!
Maybe the only reason why I'm posting such an emotional post is because I'm on my period.
You know those moments where it's late at night and you suddenly realise how lonely you are? How you wish you had someone to talk to? How you wish you had a story to write? Well, those moments are standing by with me tonight. I am so alone, I don't know what to do.
"It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head."
It fascinates me how somebody so little can paint such scars inside me and decided to just let the pain dry without giving me a band aid.
Everybody have problems you see. Some are homeless, some are pregnant out of marriage, some are out of money to buy drugs, some are abused, some are depressed and some are lost. I think my main problem right now is that I'm lost. Very lost. Like I'm in the middle of a blurred white circle where everything else was white, and there's no way out.
I try to distract myself with hobbies and fake laughs, but they never cured me. The emptiness inside me was leaking from the scars he didn't stitch. He stole my feelings to fix his. I am confused now. Of where I stood in people's lives. Maybe a toe on the corner of their minds, and maybe (-2%) on both of my feet in the centre.
There was something different. Everyone's busier now. Everyone's grown.
I guess the reason why I feel so empty is because I live in the present but my hopes are left behind. The promises we've made are slowly fading away, it's hard to get together again, we're not attracted into each other's stories anymore or never in the mood to be. Distance may make things easier, but they fuck things equally the same. I lost my friends and most of my memories. Not in the way I feared, but in the way I cared. Slowly and unknowingly.
11:07 I wished I find my mind again
11:08 I wished I find my feelings
11:09 I wished I let go
11:10 I wished for 11:11
11:11 Hopeless but hoping
You know those moments where it's late at night and you suddenly realise how lonely you are? How you wish you had someone to talk to? How you wish you had a story to write? Well, those moments are standing by with me tonight. I am so alone, I don't know what to do.
"It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder you try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. You feel like some kind of criminal for having felt, for having wanted. For having wanted to be wanted. It confuses you, because you think that your feelings were wrong and it makes you feel so small because it’s so hard to keep it inside when you let it out and it doesn't come back. You’re left so alone that you can’t explain. Damn, there’s nothing like that, is there? I've been there and you have too. You’re nodding your head."
It fascinates me how somebody so little can paint such scars inside me and decided to just let the pain dry without giving me a band aid.
Everybody have problems you see. Some are homeless, some are pregnant out of marriage, some are out of money to buy drugs, some are abused, some are depressed and some are lost. I think my main problem right now is that I'm lost. Very lost. Like I'm in the middle of a blurred white circle where everything else was white, and there's no way out.
I try to distract myself with hobbies and fake laughs, but they never cured me. The emptiness inside me was leaking from the scars he didn't stitch. He stole my feelings to fix his. I am confused now. Of where I stood in people's lives. Maybe a toe on the corner of their minds, and maybe (-2%) on both of my feet in the centre.
There was something different. Everyone's busier now. Everyone's grown.
I guess the reason why I feel so empty is because I live in the present but my hopes are left behind. The promises we've made are slowly fading away, it's hard to get together again, we're not attracted into each other's stories anymore or never in the mood to be. Distance may make things easier, but they fuck things equally the same. I lost my friends and most of my memories. Not in the way I feared, but in the way I cared. Slowly and unknowingly.
11:07 I wished I find my mind again
11:08 I wished I find my feelings
11:09 I wished I let go
11:10 I wished for 11:11
11:11 Hopeless but hoping
I lost my mind. There was emptiness inside me, and it's leaking. I lost my feelings, my interest, and although pain & depression have escaped me, I feel like I'm not whole. I wasn't in love or hate or fear. It's like there is something desperately missing, I need that something, but I don't know what that something is.
-Math Class thoughts
Hello, Hi, Hey!
Yesterday I made a short introduction video around my school ATC, and my very first video in my new channel! I'm pretty sure I'll be continuing this hobby since as far as I know is the most enjoyable thing I've ever done, also, click the link down below to watch it:
I actually have made videos in another channel entitled: Zahra or Zee, but then I thought that it'd be way easier to just use my main account to upload videos. And since I can't delete channels, that old channel will still be up on YouTube, and no I don't think I'll delete my old videos (although yes, they're pretty embarrassing). Anyways, thanks for reading! I hope you'll have a really nice day.
I suppose it's fine to announce to this blog the same story and not being read at all. It's fine, my sarcasm is usually ignored even by the people I care about.
Things haven't changed, but it did not stay the way I wanted it to be. I'm bored, and tired, and lonely. Well, what do you expect from a lonely life anyway?
My recent posts had already been sad and daft. I wish I could make things right again, at least I wish I'd laugh because I'm truly happy: i.e. with life, school, home and friends.
At least I found a good song, that kinda fits the situation after I read the aching masterpiece by Sonya Hartnett "The Ghost's Child". The song is entitled Shirtsleeves by Ed Sheeran. I like the words too, not just the music.
Oh and, Leadership Camp has passed. It was pretty normal, I wasn't very impressed, or genuinely happy, I was mad for a couple of minutes because I can be a bitch sometimes, and wish I bled more if I fell harder so I didn't have to cut my forearm all the time. But then the teachers showed us a video about the raging murder in Palestine, and saw blotches of red cells by the wall and the skin of Palestinian children and decided that these thin line scars shall not be put in my forearms for awhile. A few of the girls noticed the red marks across my hand, they asked me questions if they were cat scratches, or wild weeds' doings, I told them a crooked yeah with a maybe in the end.
After leadership camp was a very tiring weekend as usual. I slept through the whole Saturday, and on Sunday I'd had to help around a lot at this monstrous house. Also, the backyard is getting so fine. The badminton field clean of cracks and fallen leaves, the swimming pool shining it's new tiles screaming I'm almost done!, the walls painted smooth gray, the cute bamboos trimmed perfectly, and the pots of plants put beautifully.
Tomorrow is school. I don't have enough happiness to go, but I will, because there's this force that tells me that I have to come. It's called Threat and Future.
I haven't prepared my stuff for school and boarding, I should probably go. It felt quiet nice writing in here, and although I have bored you and made you think I'm trying to keep my "coolness" or "words", thanks for reading.
Goodbye from tired me :)
5th of March 2012, I moved to Al-Taqwa College Indonesia and started boarding after 3 weeks. 6th August 2014, I wish I could quit boarding as soon as possible.
Summer of 2013, I thought I found my ‘story’, May 8th 2014, I lost the story I never had.
June 15th 2014, I parted with the quarter of my life: my classmates; some of the KTB tofus; some of the teachers; two of Lyka B.; and Army Pempek.
7th of July 2014, Sophomore year began, I was concussed and partly, depressingly bored until some of the recent weeks.
9th of August 2014, I'm writing this blogpost of the negatives turn outs of how time has changed everything.
I don't understand. They said time heals almost everything, then they said time doesn't heal anything, it just replaces memories, but both of them haven't taken place in me. When? Tomorrow? Next week? When?
Yesterday I had a strange dream, a guy I know from school suddenly walked up to me, blabbering shit angrily on me, making me back spaces every now and then in the hallway, on how I should talk to him, and how I couldn't like him but can't like anyone else too. I thought of it for a great deal, then I came to consciousness, it was only just a dream.
Last weekend, I felt a girly euphoria, thinking I actually wanted to fancy someone who was 5737 kilometers away from me, yet I was again, just a one in a thousand. Friday afternoon, I realized how little that possibility could happen and how stupid I was.
Thursday noon, I made a note to make a video in the day of Zahra featuring school, then I remembered that I was embarrassing, so I delayed that idea until I can believe in myself as much as I do when doing speeches in front of people I don't particularly know.
5 days ago, I have studied easily that I never had childhood friends, all the memories from Oman has faded away, I miss my school friends, but that feeling lightens up very seldom despite the fact it's been 3 years.
Time is such an amazing thing to be blog written about. A rotation of the Earth from day to night, from weeks to months, from years to decades, and it effects us: physically and emotionally.
01:16 A.M. of 9 August, I decided to sleep for now.
-Zahra Thania A.
