keepsake blog

Now that I've caught up (kinda) with the extra studying and stress since I'm re-taking my IGCSE's, I guess it's only fair to sit down for a couple of minutes and type in something to feed my online diary.

Talking about the beautiful replica of burning stars in the count of seconds, I miss the sensation of being able to see the fireworks with you, in the Arabian Peninsula, at night, with the wind in my hair and the sticky soda cans next to our feet, your eyes to the sky and mine to you; to the awed people; to the darkness under the confetti sky, and to myself.

((Hello there, how are you doing? If you're not doing so well because you're losing your hope as time distances the possibility, then *smiles at you*, I wrote something for you, I think. This post was just meant to relieve my stress actually, but let it relieve yours too.))

"...But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." -Al-Baqarah, verse 216

(( Even though this hope that I've been praying for more than four years haven't occurred ever since, I will still pray. I will still pray that it's meant for me in the end. I will still pray that this hope is what's best for me, and that I just have to wait (with patience) for the right time. I don't know whether or not that's a good thing, but I pray that it is.)) 

For about 10 months ago, me and my classmates interviewed Indonesian strangers about Islam and turned it into a video for a school project. This video -until today, is the most viewed video on my YouTube with a 700 and above (I know it's not much but hey, beginner right?). The feedback from people on this video are mostly: good job! Love it! etc. But me and my friends knew that sooner or later hate comments towards our video and towards Islam will show up. And we guessed right.


2 months ago, we received our first negative comment.

At 1995, Islam is 98% of all population.. I hate it! Now at 2015, again at 2015, Islam is 80% of all population.. Every day Islam lose 4000-5000+ followers, I LOVE IT!

As most of my friends suggested me to ignore it, I figured that it would be best to and decided to leave the comment stand by its own. But eventually one of my friends replied to the comment, and it had ended like so (see above pict).

A week ago though, we received two negative comments, from one user who seem to dislike (with a passion!) our video and Muslims who stands by their beliefs. This is what he said:

Just look at how bigoted they are peoples.claiming islam is the best of other hundreds of religion.im sorry but i got to be honest(muhamad had sex with an under aged girl named aisha)she is roughly 9 or 10 years old .why choose islam?its clear because you think its the best right,it means you think its better than other religion like christian,hinduism,buddhism,mormonism etc.sorry muslims but u gotta open your mind a little wider

His other comment that revealed his disgust towards women who use hijab was soon reported as spam/abuse by me since it was troublesome and might offend other users.

For a long while I was hesitant to ignore it, for the comment disturbed my heart, and I was taught by my Islamic teachers that when something disturbs the peace of my heart, I'm supposed to stop it with an action, or a saying or by my heart (prayers). And I chose to have a say through an action of replying whilst praying for whomever commented the above.

This is what I replied:

This comment is for account:

First, I'm sorry if this video offended you, in a way that I never meant this video to, but please try to understand that everyone has different beliefs and stands by their own opinions. Second, do not speak of Islam unless you know what you're talking about. And if you still do, make sure to link the explanation of what you're saying and ensure the fact according to the history. Third, thank you for your advice on telling us Muslims to "open our minds a little wider", I'd like you to do it too and do not be one-sided. Lastly, if you're so sick of girls wrapping their heads with "those hijab thing" that makes us look like an assassin/thief, you can simply ignore what you see. Plus, if people have the right to wear as little as a bikini, then I have the right to wear as much as a hijab. And no, this is not a butthurt comment, I'm simply replying to what you're saying that is untrue.

And I would like to leave it like that, and if that person tries to make a comeback, which I hope he does not, I will ignore, unless it troubles me even more. Lastly, please keep in mind that I'm writing this post only as an experience of cyber hate that offends my belief, and that I did not write to shame anyone. I hope this post did not come as hurtful or wrong, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night wherever you are. May peace be upon you.

Love always, Zee.

I don't usually write blog posts exposing identities or cliche words. Because I happen to like writing indirectly about someone. I circle mazes in order to find the right words to express my sentiments and my past, and although not a significant amount of people are acknowledged of these things (for I write personally), I do constantly pray for someone to come across here and fathom these posts.

I know that my figments are currently mostly about complaints on the state of being a very inexperienced person in life and everything else (which are not very beneficial nor educational nor interesting for anyone), I'd like to just say that I feel this ultimate pressure when it is at the end of the day and I feel nothing but exhaustion and loneliness with absolutely no one to speak through this to. Therefore I write these posts, in hope to feel better.

Even if that "feeling better" was temporary or not real at all.

*discontinued blog-post no.1*

When a certain person "leaves" you, you receive a scar on the inside of your chest, a strong and noticeable line that demands to be felt. Eventually time would heal the wound. But then looking at the sky reminds you of them, and a memory kicks it, and you bleed again. That, that is what I feel when I remember you, sometimes. Disgusting, I know.

Hello, it's been awhile, I guess, or not.

I haven't had the mood to write something online these past few months, just because I don't see a purpose anymore or just because I don't see me having the potential to. Anyways, August is really hurting, there seems to be no sign of happiness lately, I rarely have the energy to do anything now. I clearly don't have anyone to hold on to anymore. I keep losing my hopes. My eyes are bruised blue as a side effect from crying, I'm almost never excited for anything anymore. A lot of things seem to annoy me. I start disappointing myself more often. No one seems to give a shit (as if that's not obvious). And I began walking around limp, trying to get away from people at school. So, yeah, I'm pretty much doing fine.

Man, what a beautiful paragraph.

If I were to be honest, I really don't know what to do. I don't know what I have to look forward to to survive this ongoing pain. I feel all the magic inside of me disappear in a slow and long process, sucked by some sort of unknown emptiness. I'm so sad. And I don't specifically know what I'm sad about. I wish things would get better, I wish I was closer to Allah so these worldly things wouldn't matter to me that much. I'm trying to though, that's probably the reason why I don't care about a lot of things and people lately. But it's like I'm missing something. I don't know. I hate having blurry vision everytime I'm reminded of who I am but hearts are hard to control. I really wish something miserably good will happen, I wish someone would come across this depressing post and help me through it. But oh god, what am I saying? It's not like anyone would care, and it's not like I know a lot of people. Plus, I'm a horrible person. I shouldn't hope for such fairy-tales.