keepsake blog

The first day of Ramadhan, and I am feeling (with Allah's permission) wonderful under all the negative struggles He's given me.

"And when My servants ask you, [O Muhammad], concerning Me - indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me [by obedience] and believe in Me that they may be [rightly] guided." 
Al-Baqarah (2): Ayat 186

I actually do not know how to begin this post, but I'll give it a try. Since the beginning of June, I was very confused of either staying in my current school (ATC) or to move to somewhere that I must head to. By the first day of school which was directly after Report's Day, I knew that I had to move. That this school is by now too weary for me and that I shouldn't be here anymore. 

And so I proceed in researching schools that could possibly give me proper education and proper school terms, where I could actually follow the path to the right Islam and deepen my abilities and fix my deficiency. However, like every single thing in the world, each school has its risk. Sadly, I still have absolutely no idea which I am willing to risk, even if I know which I should.

Now I am stuck, in this part of my life.

While in this part of my life, terrible things happened and many things fall apart which I couldn't fathom simply in words, or anything else. It is merely there, existing, and I cannot explain.

I honestly don't know what's happening to me, my life or my family. I don't know what Allah holds for me, I just need a miracle, a help, an answer. I'm still full of hope, I believe, and I just need a positive comeback from all these negative struggles I've been going through this year. Some blessings, guidance and... the miracle I've been waiting for, for four years.

But that's too much is it? I don't know, even if it's too much, I believe that's okay to Allah. Allah is the only one near us.

"Please, I want so badly for the good things to happen. Sprinkle a miracle, ya Allah."

Film-making, what's so interesting about it?

I've been a big fan of movies since I was a young idiotic child, and the older I get and with broader knowledge upon the cinematic world, the more I realised that my passion was growing and I had to take care of it regularly.

So I began making videos. My first video was in December 2013, it's still up on YouTube and I'm not planning to delete it, even if it was embarrassingly childish. And then I started improving from there, and I think that's what I like most about editing films. Everything improves. With good directing and good video qualities, of course.

But the question was, what's so interesting about film-making? Well, to me, it's mostly because it savours memories and sugar coat it in a beautiful way. You will always remember the little details too, which is even wonderful. It all draws back to when I discovered the family's really old compact cameras (we had a dozen of them), and played back all the videos from the memory card. It made me remember, it made me laugh even if I was alone, and it arose connection between me and my far-fetched memory. Which helped me a lot. And I liked that, so I decided to keep doing what helped me in which I was passionate about. It feels like magic sometimes.

My purpose of making and editing films is merely to (with Allah's permission) please myself and vibrate positive vibes to whomever watches it. Thus when you check out my YouTube channel, I hope you will be content.

Speaking of videos, I'm uploading one soon, I hope you'll keep in touch with my YouTube channel, it's www.youtube.com/zahrathania

It's funny sometimes, how other people's luck/fate seem so easy and favourable. While mine is merely struggle. Nothing is easy for me, heck, even I'm not easy for myself. But what can I say? Other people's lives are struggle too, theirs' might even be more terrifying than mine. I should stop being so distressed about how I can never get myself or my life together, because people elsewhere are actually facing a tougher pain than I am. I should be grateful of my struggles anyway, it's what makes life, life. #beingshit

It's been a few weeks that this early limerence had begun and though I stopped thinking about you a lot, there are times when I view images of you in my head.

Somewhere in April, I said to myself that I wanted to be brave and feel vivid feelings upon someone and to constantly be thoughtful for them without wanting something in return. By the middle of May, I realized that I now am. And although the feeling is like seeing the sun for the first time, it's not enitrely pleasant.

I never thought talking was a difficult matter even if most people ignore me in the end. At least that's what I thought, but then eventually I realized I had to stop thinking that way because there are complex people like you who either takes the conversation or not at all. And balancing that interest, or keeping track of the maze had never been easy to me after fathoming that some people are just difficult. But the drive of knowing people like you was something I've never imagined and I guess it's wonderful even in the tiniest bit. I cannot say it's a nice thing but it does have goodness within the unpleasant feeling.

Photo by Zoe Suen. Fukuoka, Japan 06.2015

The stars look different tonight. And I am here. 

Surprise, I was brave and bold enough to visit the Univeristy of Indonesia for its Alsa 19th debate competition they held since this month!