The chaos of stars pt.3

22:14

I’m being a wreck tonight. I could feel the dissatisfaction tightening my brows as my face offers the world an unpleasing set of emotions. I wanted to deafen my senses by focusing on things that would calm me but they hurt my heart, I try to think of things to write about but I ran out of topics that would truly please me. I know that this too shall pass, but because it’s been quite awhile since I have felt anything, I’m reluctant to letting this feeling go. I’m okay with my being upset.


Nevertheless, being upset increases my greed of escaping. Of course, who wouldn’t want to sleep in a bundle of pillows and blankets to run away to for when the world hurts too much? Or decide to meet the people that you truly care about and just have hourly long conversations with them until you no longer remember what had upset you in the beginning? To me, the very existence of unconsciousness and company are two things that I hold onto to heal myself from feeling upset. However, I will solemnly admit that; falling asleep and finding someone who cares about you in return, is quite difficult.

The truth is: the absence of unconsciousness and company are things that often disturbed me. Being an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert (I couldn’t really decide), not having company to be with when things go wrong encourages stressful situations. And being the immature and anxious person that I am, stressful situations worsen me. The domino effect of lonely stressful situations doesn’t stop, and it tends to change to the snowball effect; where the result is a worsen situation of the very beginning.

However, I will solemnly admit again that; relying onto company or depending onto other people in stressful situations or any event in life, is something that could be addressed as a fault. I noticed this after going through a couple hundreds of situation, even though my mother had already told me when I was in sixth grade; right before my piano lesson (it was brought up because my only friend from the academy wasn’t attending on the day and I became ferociously anxious about going alone). This is because relying onto other people builds up a constant need of their presence when given situations that you’re not familiar with. In other words, it will be very difficult to be independent if you depend on others. Another reason why is because: you will run out of company to rely on at some point in your life. We are all individually the centre of our own universe, so being solitude is inevitable at a given time. Therefore, independence is crucial, and you need to begin being accustomed to it (but also not forgetting the importance of company).

Cat-wise talk and speaking for myself, I have to begin being accustomed to independence. Especially at this point of my life where though unconsciousness is very easy to obtain, company is at its most scarce.

*bonus Indonesian writing that I made the other day:*

Terkadang aku merasa seakan akan kesepian tidak menyakitiku lagi. Ketika hari telah padam dan warna oranye di akhir sore mulai bergema, aku menemukan diriku menunggu kehadirannya. Mungkin alasan mengapa aku dapat berbicara seperti ini ialah kehadiran kesepian yang tidak segan untuk menemaniku. Aku jadi terbiasa ditemani olehnya.

Seringkali didalam kesepian, aku merasa sangat kecil. Ketika aku menempati ayunan di belakang rumah dengan mataku menggeliat ke arah langit yang suka berganti ganti, aku berfikir betapa Esa Tuhanku.

Picture Credits: (someone from tumblr) (I'll check it and update the link later!)
Love always, Zahra.

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The wind rummaging through my hair; stroking my shoulders, a field of wildflower between my fingers and the clouds scattered in a uniform pattern. All alone with my milk tea-stained journal, writing pieces of life whilst absorbing the soft reality that I am happy.